Thursday, May 26, 2011


Asheville, NC – Movie fans and fans of America alike are celebrating, and it might be a little early this year. In a sudden and surprisingly bold move to shatter box office records and set a precedent for years to come, Paramount Pictures today released part three of the summer blockbuster franchise, Transformers, five weeks ahead of its original July 1 release date, unannounced. This comes on the heels of pushing the release date to July 29th late last week.

With fans and critics scratching their heads in disbelief, film industry analyst, Yale Parks, offered his explanation: “By catching the Memorial Day weekend market on top of the original July 4th weekend-release and the true opening of July 29th, Paramount can claim the most successful weekend at the box office in history - from May 26th to July 29th.”

“It’s a numbers game; it’s tantamount to a pissing contest,” writes Parks in an upcoming op-ed piece in Variety.

With revenues projected at over $100 million for the first four of over sixty days in its opening weekend, Transformers: Dark of the Moon may prove to be this summer’s hottest blockbuster.

Seeking to beat the heat, citizens in Asheville, NC, welcomed the unexpected surprise, where the town had been in the midst of preparations for this weekend’s festivities.

Mayor Paul Lawrence spoke to reporters Thursday afternoon to discuss the shift of attitude following the sudden opening of Transformers: “The incessant date-changing of a major summertime event like this has got some folks confused… A focal point like that, moving around and whatnot, has got people around here thinking it’s July 4th weekend. Look! Look there, they’re changing all the signs in town from Memorial Day to Independence Day.”

Describing the move as “ugly”, local high school gym coach, Mike Donnelly, blamed Paramount Pictures for desecrating two American holidays by confusing American citizens. “If everyone seeing those movies were Blacks or Jews, it’d be a different story; but they’ve taken advantage of real small town Americans,” Donnelly said as he lowered an American flag for Memorial Day only to raise it again for Independence Day.

- J. Moulton

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