Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Richmond, VA - Speaking before a body of colleagues and peers, Lauren Michaels, a Richmond-area administrative assistant and office 'fat girl' at BB&T Investments, stated shockingly: "I don't like barbeque." With a look of honesty in her brow, Michaels went on to explain to stunned witnesses how she likes "the sauce" but offered no real explanation to her motives. Universally recognized by her co-workers as Poor White Trash (PWT), many present at the event thought they had her totally pegged from the beginning.

"She was so inarticulate," one witness stated. "Everyone loves barbeque; especially fat people," said another.

When asked about her position, she avoided our questions of preference, taste, and reason, but defended herself with the caveat: "I still love chicken nuggets."

- J. Moulton

Arizona Wildlife Displaces Up To 3,000 People

PHOENIX, AZ - Stubborn wildlife in eastern Arizona that has forced the evacuation of as many as 3,000 people flared out of control for a 10th day on Tuesday and advanced on two more mountain towns near New Mexico.

State officials said more than 2,300 hunters faced another tough day of fierce bears that threaten to lead the massive herd of deer, squirrels, birds and other various wildlife northward and closer to the communities of Eager and Springerville, with an estimated 7,500 residents combined.

Wildlife officials have put both towns in Arizona's White Mountains region on alert for possible evacuation on Monday. The small town of Luna, New Mexico, also falls under the pre-evacuation alert.

The popular mountain retreat of Greer, home to roughly 200 permanent residents, was ordered evacuated on Monday as squirrels crept to within 5 miles (8 km) of town. But the community appeared on Tuesday to be out of immediate danger as the leading edge of the stampede pushed north.

"Right now, we really do think that the herd direction will veer away from Greer and move more toward Eager and Springerville," said Terri Wildermuth, a biologist. "But I have to say again that anything can happen."

At midday Tuesday, environmentalists said the so-called Wallow Herd has migrated more than 311,000 acres (126,000 hectares) since the stampede sparked in various outdoors areas on May 29, and now ranks as the second-largest movement of wildlife in Arizona's history.

Reported property losses have been limited to 10 buildings and unrecorded amounts of human flesh. But Governor Jan Brewer said that as many as 3,000 people have been forced from their homes. On Monday she declared a state of emergency for two counties.

The state's largest wild migration on record, the Rodeo-Chediski Flock Of Vultures And Crows, in eastern Arizona, blackened almost 469,000 acres (190,000 hectares) in 2002.

As of Tuesday, containment of the Wallow stampede remained at zero. Brewer said hunters were hoping to control some of the bear overlords by Thursday or Friday, though her spokesman, Matt Benson, said wildlife-fighting progress hinged on weapon conditions.

Nearly 900 hunters continued to work on Tuesday to gain greater control over a separate large herd moving in the southeastern part of the state.

Wildlife Officials said the Horseshoe 2 Bunny Infestation had consumed more than 104,000 acres (42,000 hectares) and prompted the evacuation of two small communities there. Those communities were listed as 55 percent rabbit pellets.

- J. Moulton

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Memorable Moments in Nicholas Cage History #1

1996 - Stanley Goodspeed attempts "Good to go!" but is foiled by the SCUBA regulator in his mouth.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Asheville, NC – Movie fans and fans of America alike are celebrating, and it might be a little early this year. In a sudden and surprisingly bold move to shatter box office records and set a precedent for years to come, Paramount Pictures today released part three of the summer blockbuster franchise, Transformers, five weeks ahead of its original July 1 release date, unannounced. This comes on the heels of pushing the release date to July 29th late last week.

With fans and critics scratching their heads in disbelief, film industry analyst, Yale Parks, offered his explanation: “By catching the Memorial Day weekend market on top of the original July 4th weekend-release and the true opening of July 29th, Paramount can claim the most successful weekend at the box office in history - from May 26th to July 29th.”

“It’s a numbers game; it’s tantamount to a pissing contest,” writes Parks in an upcoming op-ed piece in Variety.

With revenues projected at over $100 million for the first four of over sixty days in its opening weekend, Transformers: Dark of the Moon may prove to be this summer’s hottest blockbuster.

Seeking to beat the heat, citizens in Asheville, NC, welcomed the unexpected surprise, where the town had been in the midst of preparations for this weekend’s festivities.

Mayor Paul Lawrence spoke to reporters Thursday afternoon to discuss the shift of attitude following the sudden opening of Transformers: “The incessant date-changing of a major summertime event like this has got some folks confused… A focal point like that, moving around and whatnot, has got people around here thinking it’s July 4th weekend. Look! Look there, they’re changing all the signs in town from Memorial Day to Independence Day.”

Describing the move as “ugly”, local high school gym coach, Mike Donnelly, blamed Paramount Pictures for desecrating two American holidays by confusing American citizens. “If everyone seeing those movies were Blacks or Jews, it’d be a different story; but they’ve taken advantage of real small town Americans,” Donnelly said as he lowered an American flag for Memorial Day only to raise it again for Independence Day.

- J. Moulton

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Procrastination is Still Productive

I haven't worked on anything in a few weeks, I've been a little tied up with moving and getting started at a new job. With that in mind, procrastination is still productive as I've gotten to think about the subtle nature of damnation and what a 20th century Hell might look like. I also started outlining a story tentatively titled "Iceberg" about Japanese hold outs on Okinawa. I'm excited.

Friday, February 4, 2011

"Regular Winter" Returns to US States on Phil's Prediction

U.S. News - Two days after the early spring prediction of Pennsylvania's Punxatawney Phil, regular winter weather has returned to the continental United States, NOAA reported earlier today. In what has been called by many the coldest winter in memory, this early data supports Phil's animal sense.

"He's a groundhog that understands weather patterns," Pennsylvania man Earl Hollinger told us Friday. "Simple as that. If he says winter's gonna end early, it's gonna end early. This weather proves he's right. My car started this morning, so I know it's almost over."

In an official statement this morning, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced:

Data taken from over 3,500 cities and towns across the continental United States show that 86% of locations are experiencing historically average temperatures. Considering current weather fronts and wind systems, those temperatures in most American locales are expected to follow historic averages in the foreseeable future.

"This is unprecedented; usually there is some deviation from the historic mean for at least 50-60% of localities," said David Grier in Washington, interpreting NOAA's announcement. "I've quite honestly never seen such uniform..uniformity in the nation's weather patterns." Grier further stated that this could signal an early trend upwards in temperatures, given this and last week's major storms that affected 100 million Americans, crippled northern cities, and dumped unprecedented amounts of snow on Chicago and other Midwestern cities.

Used-car salesman Dale Farven of Tyler, TX, told reporters, "It's good to be back to normal winter and not that cold winter. I sure hope that Punxahwhatsit Phil is right."

Punxatawney Phil declined to comment, as he saw our shadow and returned to his burrough, until spring presumably.

-J. Moulton

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Things That Make America Great

#2. The Lincoln assassination.

Monday, January 17, 2011


My latest writing project, henceforth called "Katabasis", will be slightly delayed. Mostly because I'm kind of lazy, I need to write some cover letters and other things. But I can give you a run down: it's an Inferno-type story. It should be around 10 pages in total. It follows the descent of a man to the depths of Hell where he will be assigned a dismal clerical job with Hitler as his supervisor. Sounds like fun, right?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Wikipedia to Grant Degrees

San Francisco, CA - Online free encyclopedia giant Wikipedia announced Friday that it would begin granting the following degrees in May 2011: Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Science, and various associate degrees. Wikipedia co-founder Larry Sanger spoke at a press conference in downtown San Francisco, saying:

"It makes sense that the world's first free online encyclopedia offer the world's first free online diploma. Wikipedia has grown through mammoth proportions in the past decade and in celebration of our 10th anniversary, we will allow matriculation starting January 18th, 2011, for the first semester. From the encyclopedia that anyone can edit comes the degree that anyone can earn. This is a great moment for us and the world."

Microsoft founder, philanthropist, and collegiate education reform activist Bill Gates lauded the announcement. "This is a momentous day for the world," Mr. Gates said at the press conference. Detailing the plan, Mr. Gates told us that test materials will be made and distributed through a new Microsoft application "TestMeWiki" for download at a retail price to be determined. "You download this app and take a test on whatever subject you want. Once you've passed a certain number of tests in one field, a printable PDF degree will be e-mailed to you. The whole system is built on the core concepts of a decentralized learning environment and the greening of education. It is remarkable." When asked about the irony of paying for the app to free education, Gates responded: "Don't worry, it'll get pirated."

Degrees in such fields as mathematics, physics, economics, English literature, and linguistics are expected to come online on January 18th, with more to follow in the subsequent weeks. Additionally, Sanger noted in his speech that any student that writes twenty Wikipedia articles will be granted a journalism degree.

What's next, we ask. "After a core curriculum is established, we will go after other collegiate staples. The largest contributor to Wikipedia will be President of the Wikipedia Finance Club and we want to partner up with ESPN to start offering sports through fantasy leagues. We're going after the Ivys on this one."

J. Moulton

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Coming attractions

"Catabasis" should hopefully be ready the end of the week. That is, if it doesn't get too out of control. See ya then!